The Other Girl, The Other Guy

Wrong never felt so right.

An apology seems like a good place to start – but I think I’m supposed to pretend nothing happened at all that would warrant an apology in the first place. And besides, there would be too many people I’d have to mumble an “I’m sorry” to. How I get myself into these sticky situations, I will never know. The go-for-it attitude needs to be counter-balanced with my freaking … brain, for god’s sake. When my guy friends ask for relationship advices, all I do is bestow upon them one golden rule – “Never trust girls.”

I could have gone further.

But then I’d have to blow my brains up. Haha.

And yet …

It was fun while it lasted.

It's Called The "I'm Sick Of Drama" Complex

I have come to the realization that – I am really sick of high-profile relationships.

I’ve been there, you know; the sticky spot where you’re part of an It Couple.

When people look at you, they say things like “aww, you guys look great together,” and then they sigh in a blissful manner that makes you squirm inside. Everytime they talk to you, they refer to you as an item. The first question your friends ask you when you sit down at the table is, “so how’s the boyfriend/girlfriend?” When you’re out on your own, everyone waits for your significant other to join you. You have plans every week, and when you send out happy birthday messages, you end it with “Love from Su Ann and [The Boyfriend].” When you have a fight, the whole world knows about it … and even worse, they take sides. You meet each other’s family. You meet each other’s friends. You become acquainted with each other’s pets, for the love of God.

Well.

I’m done with that. :)

Seriously; screw society’s rules.

My relationships from here on out are going to be so low-profile, it’ll be like I may as well just be single. When (okay, ‘If’) I send out wedding invitations, people will be like, “she had a boyfriend?!” I mean, who needs to know, anyway? Fuck expectations. I’m dating the guy, not the guy’s friends and family and facebook.

Speaking of facebook;

I’m still “married” to G.

What the hell.

…

Wrapped Up In Vines, Flowing In My Veins

The smell of cigarette smoke clings to me like a second skin – constant, and unnerving. Today is Sunday; the clock is ticking down to Monday in appropriately 38 more minutes. How much of life do we spend just being at the sidelines, waiting? I miss somebody. It’s a bit like being in a dream, where you’re outside looking in.

I may break my skin trying to keep all this in.

I used to believe that relationships should be like ... riding a roller-coaster. Adventurous, exciting; being with somebody should have the effect of taking your breath away and making you high with all the adrenaline rush. Roller-coasters have ups and downs – and I suppose that’s part and parcel of being in a relationship. But it’s all okay, because when you turn around you’re supposed to see him next to you; and no matter how high the dive or how much turbulence you’re facing, he’s there. And you’re together.

...

But then I realized at some point in time, you’re both going to have to get off the damn ride.

I think I’ve changed my mind about my roller-coaster theory.

I think maybe being in a relationship should be more about exploring together. Understanding each other’s needs; being supportive. Challenging each other to be better. There should be a certain level of comfort, and another mix of the unknown. I think maybe I’m sick of relationships with high drama – I think I’m on the lookout for something easy. Something casual, and fun, and low pressure. Something where you’re both up to speed with each other; it’s not going to work out if one person’s thinking about the wedding spot and the other debating about whether or not to go through with the next date.

And yet.

I’m not sure. I have been single for about three months, and there have been too many guys coming and going ... because I’ve never wanted them to stay in the first place.

Why don’t you tell me something I don’t know?

And Just In Time, I'll Play My Ace

what if, indeed?

beyond that of the usual a/s/l cliche, strictly speaking: i am demanding, surely. i overcompensate for other people; i function well under stress, and i love reading. body art is a passion. i’m an extremist — i never do things halfway. i don’t give up that easily; and i love articulate men with ambition … and tattoos. given the chance to prove myself, i can also be caring, loyal, and warm. somewhere deep down inside, i have a functioning heart that isn’t entirely made out of stone. i’m an outrageous flirt. i strongly believe that if you want something, you should fucking go get it. it works everytime. i’m that girl with all the drama going on, whether or not i brought it onto myself is a different story altogether. being a Capricorn suffering from a slight OCD, in a perfect world i would also be a health freak — however, my excessive clubbing, drinking, partying, and smoking ways don’t allow for a daily evening jog.

i’m that girl with trust issues; i am more than what meets the eye. i am ambitious, capable, manipulative, strong … and somewhat cocky and overconfident. i enjoy good movies, and better music. i do what i want when i want to; and i really don’t give a damn about my reputation. i am edgy, sometimes moody, & always with an attitude.

i am growing, still.

:)

Here's Your Daily Quote:

‎"A woman should know how to

look like a girl, act like a lady

and think like a man."

damn right ;)

What I Remember of Ipoh:

Getting lost and missing our stop. Food at De Garden right after; being completely awed by the architecture of the décor. Driving around aimlessly. Blue Foundation – Eyes on Fire. Watching 'The Family Guy' at Mindy’s. Dinner the first night at this steamboat place … except we didn’t even have steamboat. Chilling at the field – and being completely nostalgic for a while; remember back when we used to do that too? Me and my friends, and a couple of guys who only wanted to get into our pants. Add in alcohol, late nights, fast cars … and stir. I remember texting :) lots of texting. I remember dreams; vivid ones – the kinds you wake up smiling from.

Breakfast at Hollywood, where we bumped into the most gorgeous black guy ever … with a wife and a kid. Going over to Kampar and meeting up with R – had lunch there, serenaded by variations of very emo Celine Dion songs and also, Justin Bieber. Almost watching Eclipse :( but didn’t. Ended up bowling instead – Prav, A, and I played two games because I couldn’t stand not hitting a strike in the first game. Dinner at B’s. Driving around looking for the perfect drinking spot; ending up chilling at the mall again for a while … before heading off to the wine place. I remember teaching my friends “Bloop”, and I remember drunk people. Truth and Dare, and an overspill of emotions. Lots of cigarette smoke that night. Second round at Barroom – i think I got the first round of drinks … or not? Somebody puked. Lots of drunken dancing. The guys, on the prowl and constantly looking over. I remember conversations that went something like this: “I’m sorry it didn’t work out between us. You okay, right?” “Yeah, I’m good. I’m sorry too. It’s okay; things happen.”

Hand-holding – was it?

I remember the funny exchange that happened afterwards, at the Chinese shop. HAHA, I laughed a lot that night. :)

Brunch at old town kopitiam (why?), and more conversations. J getting a haircut. Me almost falling asleep at B’s.

And then we were on the way back.

It was a great trip …

The happy sort.

:)

damnit, i miss ipoh.

i miss Bobby.

Yuna - Deeper Conversation

oh my god!

stop fucking talking about your ex-girlfriends or ex-flings or ex-crushes already! i can barely keep up with all these stupid pretty girls. and what the hell; i really don't want to know!

mood-killer max.

Confession:

i hate wearing bras. most of the time if no one's home, i walk around topless. and sometimes when it's late, and i go out to buy stuff ... i don't wear bras underneath my tees. instead, i wear an extra jacket or something.

:)

Padi - Menanti Sebuah Jawaban

best indonesian song i've ever heard, and i'm including all the peterpan songs i used to go gaga over (also nidji - hapus aku).

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu,
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu.
Seiring jejak kakiku bergetar,
Aku tlah terpaku oleh cintamu.
Menelusup hariku dengan harapan,
Namun kau masih terdiam membisu.

Sepenuhnya aku ingin memelukmu,
Mendekap penuh harapan tuk mencintaimu.
Setulusnya aku akan terus menunggu,
Menanti sebuah jawaban tuk memilikimu.

Betapa pilunya rindu menusuk jiwaku
Semoga kau tau isi hatiku ..
Dan seiring waktu yang terus berputar
Aku masih terhanyut dalam mimpiku.

Aku tak bisa luluhkan hatimu
Dan aku tak bisa menyentuh cintamu.

sigh.

Forgotten Meme

going through my drafts, and i found this! take note that i answered this when i was in form five, oh my god. clearly, i had serious anger issues. and i sounded miserable! like an articulate, sarcastic bitch.

wow, i’ve come a really long way.

okay here you go anyway :)

…

# 1 If your lover betrayed you, what will your reaction be?

i would rip his balls off. pour acid on his dick. post pictures of him naked after i ripped his balls off with his dead acidified dick. and tell the world he’s gay, anyway. then proceed to move on.

# 2 If you can have a dream to come true, what would it be?

write a self-help book dedicated to all the boyfriends in the world, on how to treat your girl right. write a best selling book, become rich and then travel with no strings attached.

#3 What will your dream wedding be like?

something garden-y and beach-y. wait you know what, who cares about my wedding, i’m more concerned about my hen’s nite out.

#4 Are you confused as to what lies ahead of you?

at this point, i’m too fuckin sick and tired to care. i already know what lies ahead. shit lies ahead, that’s what.

#5 What’s your ideal lover like?

i can tell you what’s NOT my ideal lover like: someone possessive and utterly crazy and controlling and sarcastic and selfish and demands everything and gives nothing and .. oh yeah. humourous. my ideal lover is NOT someone funny. i hate funny. let’s just leave funny to people who get paid to be funny.

#6 Which is more blessed, loving someone or being loved by someone?

you know what? i don’t even know. all i know is, it’s tough finding someone worthy of falling for; The One. so i’ll have to say loving someone is more blessed.

#7 How long do you intend to wait for someone you really love?

for as long as i can stand doing so.

#8 If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?

find a new crush. .. actually, who cares? all’s fair in love and war.

#9 Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?

anything? anything?? hah if i count them i’ll run out of fingers!

#10 Is being tagged fun?

i’m hungry.

#11 How do you see yourself in ten years time?

i’d be .. 27! shit that’s so old. i’d be working, i suppose, hopefully for a magazine or something journalism related. i don’t really know; i mean, HELL i’m the type of girl who wouldn’t even know what she’d be doing tomorrow.

#12 Who are currently the most important people to you?

my imaginary friend chuck.

#13 What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

okay i think i got tagged by at least two people for this.

#14 Would you rather be single & rich or married but poor?

single and rich. my current non boyf doesn’t believe in being married.

#15 What’s the first thing you do every morning?

think to myself, “ONLY FOUR HOURS?! i’m going back to sleep.”

#16 Would you give all in a relationship?

i have given all in a relationship.

#17 If you fall in love with two people simultaneously, who would you pick?

the one who would make me happier. who could provide. the more mature one.

#18 What type of friends do you like?

people to go crazy with, and can handle good conversations :)

#19 What type of friends do you dislike?

judgmental ones. the ones who talk too freakin much. i don’t much care about gossipers; i’m immune to rumours haha. seriously.

#20 Tagged by :

jillian and carmen and ken, a long long time ago.

…

So There's This Guy

that i met at MOS last night. his name is darryl. and now he's texting me. ... i'm not really interested. why am i going with the flow at all?

Darude - Sandstorm

how low can you go? people always say that, with age and time, comes maturity. i think that’s just bullshit. i think maturity is derived from experience, and the yearning to improve oneself … whilst achieving self-actualization. i mean, it’s been proven that older people aren’t always necessarily right. in fact, they’re downright pretty foolish and immature sometimes … oh, ‘petty’ — that’s the word i was looking for. you’re acting like a child. stop fighting these battles — the war is over.

you’re just collateral damage.

…

Behind This Smile Is My IQ

old picture, from Republic.

i’m done with my finals for my fourth semester in college! i lost 20 marks, because i didn’t have enough time to answer one of the essay questions — fuck me sideways ;( but no matter.

I’M FREE FOR THE TIME BEING! :)

chilled at AC for a while, then went back to B’s and smoked up. went for dinner at the lake view club, to celebrate Faeez’s birthday :) clubbing tomorrow with the college mates — this is going to be something new. we normally do the house parties, because these people are terrified of club raids HAHA!

i have a feeling we’ll just end up staying home, and getting drunk and stoned at the same time …

sounds fun.

YAY! :D

Pics from Milk ...

from the other night, when we celebrated San's 26th birthday. & these pics have got to be some of the worst ever taken of me. ever.

so enjoy.

:)

our fashionably late entrance ... after midnight. close to 1am. HAHAHA! ;P please ignore my face.

wevind, me, din and gana :)

asitha, jo and me :) once again, ignore my stupid face. what did i tell you about these pictures being some of my worst?

jo and me :)

me, jo and wev.

me and jo. were we dancing, or just being lesbians? ;P

me and jo.

G and me :)

me and Jo.

G and me. sometimes i really love my hair ;P

jo, me, din and cherry :)

jo, me and asitha :)

jo and I.

me, jo and some dude i don't know. ignore my face.

was i dancing?

wev and i :)

wev and me :)

rhea and i :)

jo, rhea and i :)

wev and i ... damn there's a lot of pics of me and wev.

final one :)

and i just realized i didn't take a pic with San that night at all! ;P

there; taken at wev's party last year.

happy birthday my favorite drunkard! :)

love, Su Ann

John Mayer feat Taylor Swift - Half of My Heart

i think i'm dealing with some serious ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) when it comes to the guys in my life these days. i jump from one to another; sometimes juggling more than i can handle.

but you know,

i was just thinking about you.

:)

This Is Why I'm Broke

my wardrobe literally cannot fit in anymore clothes.

these days, my mother has resorted to just leaving my clean laundry at the bottom of my bed because she can't bear to open up my closet and have my piles of clothes fall on her for the 36th time.

you know what this means, right?

i either need a new wardrobe ... or i've just been shopping too much.

okay, way, way, way too much.

the above picture illustrates the shit i've bought in the past three days.

3 Tube Dresses (in Black, Blue, and Turquoise)

1 Blue Shorts (Cotton On)

1 High-waisted Denim Shorts

1 Flowery High-waisted Skirt (Cotton On)

1 Tee that says "I LOVE ME" (FOS)

1 Red & White Striped Fitting Tee (MNG)

1 Vintage Star Wars Tee (FOS)

1 Black & White Checkered Shirt

1 White Semi-Transparent Cotton Shirt

1 Black Fitting Long-Sleeved Tee (MNG)

1 Faded Blue/Grey Fitting Long-Sleeved Tee

1 Black Cardigan (Seed)

1 Black Fitting Cardigan (Cotton On)

1 Black Spaghetti Straps Top

wow, seriously.

why did i get two black cardigans? i already have two at home, plus one purple, and another blue. and i have about thirty long-sleeved shirts lying around. and do i really need more tube dresse that i never wear!

Damage: Don't know. Too scared to count back my receipts, but fairly sure that i'm short of rm600 plus.

you know, come to think of it. i actually still have carrier bags of new clothes just dumped inside my closet -- bought and then forgotten about.

WHAT THE HELL SERIOUSLY! ;(

i solemnly swear that after my finals this wednesday, i will clean up my closet and donate away clothes i don't wear anymore.

sigh!

According to Wikipedia:

Kleptomania

is an irresistible urge to steal items of trivial value. ... Frequently thought of as being a part of obsessive-compulsive disorder, since the irresistible and uncontrollable actions are similar to the frequently excessive, unnecessary and unwanted rituals of OCD.

in other words, a person with the compulsion to steal. a shoplifter. a thief. disorder is usually present in teenage girls, who do it because they are either depressed, feel unworthy, stressed, or pissed off at the world. or simply, for the thrill of it.

wow.

:)

This Was Me, Five Years Ago

yeah, five years ago.

aged fourteen, and i was already a camwhore.

HAHAHAHA!

;P

Read This On Blogsecret's Tumblr

13207.) I wanted us to work. After five years, I realized that I had wasted my energy, tears, and love. We’ll never be together again. Please move on. You broke my heart and I’m not going to let you attempt to fix it. I’m much happier now.

(via blogsecret)

the only difference is that, my relationship spanned nearly four years instead of five.

if we were still together, this month on the 30th would have marked our 4th anniversary. of course, he probably would have fucked it up as he did all our previous anniversaries. and there's a high possibility that i would have spent the day crying myself to sleep.

but now we'll never know.

thank god.

currently watching the World Cup Finals, between Holland and Spain. have a bet with Bobby going on! GO SPAIN!

(and yes, i stayed home tonight. after a whole week of clubbing, drinking, snorting up and stoning, i think it's quite apt that i stay in the night before my finals.)

:)

Inked, #2

work in progress. it's a lotus -- i got it done last year and it's really about time that i go in for my touch-ups and shading, but i've been procrastinating.

i'm already itching for my new tattoo!

loves!

Dry Spell

two months, and ongoing.

life sucks.

There's A First Time For Everything

sayang, why you so boring? tell me some stories la! where's all the drama!

-- Therry

sorry, now i pretty much just spend my days being stoned, snorting up, getting drunk, clubbing, going out with people and sleeping when i have the time. unlike before, when i had a psycho boyfriend.

life is so much simpler these days.

:)

If It's Not Forever

July 5, 2010

i had a crush on you.

it was the most embarrassing, painful crush ever; because i would see you around and not be able to do anything about it; always made me feel like my heart was being ripped right out of my body and then trampled all over. it was pretty short-lived, however. i blame it on my friends, who wouldn’t stop gushing over your looks.

of course i would never tell you. i mean, we’ve played the flirting game and i’m pretty sure i’ve said it out loud a couple of times but who takes things like that seriously? and to be honest, you’re not my type at all. it doesn’t matter, really. there’s a million reasons why i shouldn’t take this any further than it’s already gone, because it’s … complicated.

i just think you’re really cute.

:)

...

July 11, 2010

and i already have you wrapped around my fingers.

damn, that was fast.

My Overeating Habits

at Milk yesterday, Asitha told me i've gained weight. i was like, yeah people keep telling me that! is that a good thing or a bad thing! he said, "it's good! it looks good on you now; you were too freaking tiny before. now shut up and drink."

pfft. well, i can no longer fit properly into my Seed black pants -- which is totally fucked up.

i feel totally fat all of a sudden.

God.

;(

The Fight For You Was All I Ever Knew

that hit me hard. four years on, and i’m a completely different person today. seeing you last night at Milk Club was uncomfortable for me, but only because you were so broken … and i’m the one who broke you. how did it feel to see me in the arms of other guys? to have to stand by and watch men leering at me, checking me out and asking me for my number throughout the night? how did it feel for you to witness your cousins and friends being close to me, emotionally and physically — a privilege you’ve lost?

but you broke my heart first.

and you messed it all up.

goodbye Anil,

and i honestly can’t say it was a good one.

…

I'm No Good At Subtlety

here's my list:

confidence, fun, honesty. charm, intelligence, maturity. open-minded. patience, ambitious, daring. respectful, humourous. good looks. independent, accepting, non-judgemental. someone who can help me reach my full potential, someone who won't laugh at my dreams. protective, not possessive. caring, not overwhelmingly suffocating. a person who would never, ever raise his hands on me. a reader, a poet, a writer. someone who shared my interests and passions, or at least tolerate them. a person who would let me explore on my own and let me learn from my own mistakes -- but would never be out of reach, and never unreliable. good taste in music; plays an instrument or is creative in any other way. supportive, kind, understanding. proud of me. is tattoo-ed. someone who won't ridicule what i stand for -- especially my playlist or my clothes or my beliefs. a person who won't feel threatened by the extent of my ambitions, and what i'd be willing to do to chase those dreams.

there you go. everyone's got expectations, no?

...